Last Night
by Sinsanity
Summary: Gin takes a few of the Espada out to the World of the Living, but loses them in his drunken idiocy. Will he be able to recover Aizen's precious babies before something terrible happens to the suckers? Probably not, but oh well.
1. Gin

**Hey guys! This is my first story published here, so...**

**yeah. Please tell me what you think, because I honestly have no idea what I was thinking. Or if I was even thinking at all.**

**This fic is based off of "Last Night" by Good Charlotte**

**Summary: Gin takes a few of the Espada out to the World of the Living, but loses them in his drunken idiocy. Will he be able to recover Aizen's precious babies before something terrible happens to the suckers? Probably not, but oh well.  
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_"All that I remember_

_Is that you had me at hello_

_I knew right when I met her_

_That I wouldn't take it slow"_

"Mmphh…"

Silver hair ruffled as a pale man rolled over. Ice blue eyes slowly cracked open. Gin rolled a little more, and proceeded to fall onto the floor.

"Shit!"

Gin swore as his headache exploded when he made contact with the… floor of a car? He sat up a little and took in his surroundings.

'Seems like a cop car from the World of the Living… why would I be here?'

Gin started to stand up, when he noticed a photo slipping from his sleeve. He plopped down onto the seat of the police car and pulled out the photo. It was of him and Nnoitra, Szayel Aporro, Ulquiorra, Starrk, and Grimmjow standing just outside of a gargantua. Each was decked out in street attire. None of the Espada looked too pleased with their current state, whilst Gin was grinning and pulling off a peace sign.

Gin suddenly sat straight up.

'Oh damn' he thought, as he remembered how and why he was in the cop car. Just last night, he had outfitted each of the Espada in the picture he now clutched in reiatsu-limiting gigais, and pulled them into the World of the Living. Why, you may ask? They all seemed stressed, and they were no fun to prank while they act so serious. So Gin decided to take them out clubbing without Aizen's permission. It's not like anything bad could happen, right?

Wrong. Apparently, because there was no alcohol in Hueco Mundo, each Espada got hammered extremely quickly. Gin had lost them somewhere along the course of the night, and decided in his drunken stupor that it would be awesome to go look for them in a police car. It wasn't that hard to find one, due to the fact that he was a shady looking drunk wandering the streets at around one in the morning. After he was confronted by the cops, he then proceeded to beat them within an inch of their lives with what seemed to be a baseball bat (Gin really couldn't tell through his beer goggles) and stole their car. After driving around drunk for a bit, miraculously avoiding crashing the car and killing himself, he found a particularly shiny street light and stopped in front of it, staring for a while before passing out in the back of the car.

Gin, now more coordinated, tripped out of the car. Where were the Espada? If he lost them, Aizen would totally screw him. Damn, he was like their babysitter. Gin rummaged through his pockets, trying to find anything that could clue him in to the whereabouts of any of Aizen's precious babies.

His finger brushed against something, and he pulled out another photo.

'Score!' Gin grinned, but it quickly faltered when he looked more closely at the picture. This must have been the last time he had been with the drunken idiots before getting lost. Nnoitra was up on a bar counter shirtless, dancing his ass off with a bottle of vodka in each hand. Gin could also see Starrk and Ulquiorra in the background stumbling out of the bar, completely wrecked. Gin squinted at the store reflected in the mirror behind the counter.

'Victoria Secret, eh? Sweeet. But there's only one of those in this area. I'll check there first.'

Gin, being the hungover fool he is, started walking back to the shopping district of town, seeing as he was crashed against a lamp post outside of some apartments in the residential zone. This was gonna be a long day.

_"The more we heard the music_

_The more we got in sync_

_The more I kept you laughing_

_The less I stopped to think_

_The last thing I remember_

_You said this place is beat_

_It must have gotten crazy_

_Cause I can't recall a thing"_


	2. Nnoitra and Szayel

_"Last night_

_Can't remember_

_What happened_

_Where'd we go?_

_I woke up_

_This morning_

_Where's my car?_

_Where's my keys?_

_Where's my clothes?_"

"You get the best of both worlds! Chill it out, take it slow, then you rock out the show!"

Gin sang to himself whilst cruising down the streets of Karakura in his stolen police car. Hey, don't judge. Hannah Montana is the BOMB. Oh yeah, he had found himself a new cop car. Apparently, the police force decided it was a great night to get wrecked too, and so Gin just decided to borrow their car while they were passed out on the ground outside a club.

He had been screwing around for about twenty minutes now, trying to find the Victoria Secret from the picture. He drove on, blowing a few red lights and stop signs, when he suddenly caught a store painted at least five different shades of pink. He spun back around and took off after it.

'Mmmm… thongs…'

Gin gracefully parked the car on the stop sign he just ran over, and skipped out of the driver's seat. He glued himself to the window of the heavenly store, feasting his eyes upon the massive array of lingerie.

All too quickly, he heard a crash from across the street. Gin reluctantly turned away from his dream store and jogged over to the bar across the way.

'The Big Bong. That seems like an accurate name.'

Peeking inside, Gin took note of the sorry state of the place. Chairs and tables lay on their sides, alcohol covered the floor, glass was embedded in the walls, and one of the walls lay in pieces across the counter and bar stools. Suddenly, one of the pieces of scattered wall bits moved and groaned.

"Fuck…" A shaky voice stated.

"Spoony! I found ya!" Gin cried out while running out to pull to grumbling giant. "I was sure tha' you would end up dead, or at least in jail! Daw, I'm so happy for ya, Piano Face!" Gin squealed, hugging Nnoitra.

"Gerroffme," came his mumbled reply.

"Shh, don't ya worry now. Uncle Gin is here ta take ya home and keep ya safe," Gin cooed as he stroked the quinta.

Nnoitra pushed Gin off. "I don't need you to take me home or keep me safe, fucktard. All I need are some meds for this ridiculous headache."

As Nnoitra clawed at his head, trying to scratch the endless pounding in his head away, Gin noticed a picture taped to his back.

"Hmm? Wha's this?"

Gin pulled off the photo, and Nnoitra, now curious, leaned over to get a closer look. It appeared to be Szayel, Starrk, and Grimmjow standing outside of a college campus giving thumbs up signs. Or the finger, in a certain bluenette's case. Nnoitra squinted at the college.

He pointed a finger at the photo. "Hey, I remember that place. We passed that on our way here. It's a few streets down."

Gin smiled even wider. "Tha's great! I'll have you all back in Las Noches before Aizen even notices tha' ya left!"

Gin dragged Nnoitra out onto the street, towards the damaged car. Once in the car, Gin tried to fire up the engine, but found that it wasn't working. Gin got out of the car and look at the underside.

'Ah. I guess I ran over a fire hydrant too. That must be what tore through the mechanics down there. I should really watch out for those more…'

Gin waved at Nnoitra through the window. "Time ta get out, Nnoi-Nnoi. The car won't start up."

Nnoitra shot him a hateful glare before stepping out of the passenger seat. "Don't call me that, douche."

Gin frowned. "But I call ya nicknames 'cause I love ya, Spoony! I raised ya since ya were just a little pirate-like arrancar!"

"No you didn't. I turned into an arrancar not too long ago."

"…balls."

Gin pouted as they started down the road to Karakura Tech. Nnoitra rolled his eyes at his superior's idiotic behavior. Feeling kind of awkward, he decided to start up a conversation.

"So… err… have you found any other clues about the others besides these two photos?"

"Nope. I woke up in a cop car like tha' we just abandoned, and then found you. That's 'bout it."

"Oh."

"…"

Nnoitra was relieved to finally see the building come into view. It was quite spectacular, really. Shiny windows, well-kept lawn, litter-free pathways, smoke rising out of the left wing…

…wait, what?

Nnoitra nudged Gin and pointed. Gin opened his eyes a little, and debated what could have happened. A microwave exploded after some idiot decided to heat up the wrong thing? A fire started after some asshole dropped a match in a bucket of kerosene? Fog machine party? Weed-smoking party gone wild? Szayel? I think it's safe to go with the last one.

"We better go get him before the authorities do." Gin mused.

"That seems like a good idea." Nnoitra stated.

Just as they were approaching the front entrance, a flash of pink shot past the nearest window on the second floor. Gin looked up.

"Hey, there he is!" Gin beamed.

Nnoitra looked over just in time to see Szayel come crashing out of a window right above him.

"Oh shi-" he was cut off by Szayel, who had used the unfortunate spoon to cushion his fall.

"Aww, Pinky, you're safe! Come here and give Gin a hug, you little butterfly you!" Gin swooned, as Szayel staggered up off of Nnoitra. He looked down for a moment, his eyes hidden by locks of hair falling across his face, when he suddenly jerked his head up and smiled.

"My experiment worked! I have successfully fused a cockroach and a ringworm! I shall name my new creation, the cockring!" Szayel proclaimed, shaking his fist in victory.

Still on the ground, Nnoitra managed to get out a snicker. "Heh. You said cock ring. You're so gayyy."

Szayel shot him a look and then addressed Gin. "Where were you last night? We lost you at around eleven."

Gin turned his head a bit to the side. "Err, that's not important righ' now. Righ' now we gotta find all the other Espada. You got any ideas as to where they may be?"

"Well-" Szayel started, but was cut off by a voice coming from the building.

"You! You did this! Get back here, you're going to face the consequences! You aren't allowed to use the labs without authority from the-"

The voice was instantly drowned out by a massive explosion, filling the surrounding area with purple smoke. Szayel grinned lecherously, and put the panel of buttons he just brought out back into his pocket.

"Oops, I guess my fingers slipped. I suppose I accidentally set of the chemical bomb I rigged up in the History room."

Gin looked at him for a moment, then snapped his head upward at the sight of a paper sailing through the air toward him. The white haired shinigami reached out and grabbed the paper, flipping it over to reveal yet another photo.

'Oh my.'

Seeing Gin's surprised expression, Nnoitra and Szayel leaned over his shoulders and examined the photo.

It showed Ulquiorra sticking his tongue out at the camera whilst flipping them off in a parking lot, and while that itself was extremely surprising, it was what was in the background that really shocked the three.

Grimmjow was in the back, arm in arm with two busty females, obviously as twisted as him. They were walking to a car. Gin opened his eyes wide as he took in one of the lady's purple pony tail, chocolate skin, and golden eyes. He covered his mouth as he recalled the orange hair, purple eyes, and soft features of the other. How did Grimmjow manage to pick up Yoruichi and Orihime? How did they even get there? All Gin was sure of was this: if either of the females woke up to find Grimmjow naked in their bed, he was going to die. Be it by Yoruichi's shunko or Orihime calling out to Ichigo, their little panther buddy was gonna lose his dick.

"We gotta get to Grimmjow as soon as possible." Gin said as he turned to Szayel and Nnoitra.

They gave Gin a knowing look, and the three of them set off to find and save Grimmjow from a bloody, dickless death.

_"I feel my head still spinning_

_But I'm doing alright_

_'Cause I think I just had_

_The best night of my life_

_Last night_

_Can't remember_

_What happened_

_Did it happen? _

_Last night_"


	3. Grimmjow

"_Everyone's been calling_

_Like I've been gone for days_

_There's a note left on the table_

_And all it says is, 'Thanks'"_

Gin skipped down the streets of Karakura town, trailed by Szayel and Nnoitra. The sun was starting to rise, and there were these cool little flower things that scattered fuzzies everywhere when you blew on them. Gin sprinted into a nearby park and picked up yet another, "Fuzzy," as he now called them.

"Hey, check this out Pinky!" Gin sang as he ran back to the octava and shoved the flower in his face. He then proceeded to blow as hard as he could, sprinkling Szayel's hair with little fluffy seeds.

Szayel let out an exasperated sigh. "Now, this is all very amusing and such, but shouldn't we have found Grimmjow by now? We've been walking around for like twenty-five minutes."

"The princess is right. How do you know that we're going the right way?" Nnoitra added.

"I'm not a princess." Szayel muttered to himself as Gin spun around with an armful of fuzzies.

"I actually have no idea where we're headed. I was jus' following the fuzzies!" He informed them, spraying them each with dandelion seeds.

"What the hell, man? So we were ju-" Nnoitra was cut off when Szayel suddenly pulled both Gin and himself behind a hedge.

"Fuck off, Szay-" He was cut off again when Szayel covered his mouth.

"Shut up and listen for a minute, you two. One of the apartments in that complex across the street belongs to Orihime Inoue. I know this because when I was stalki- err, researching her, I followed her to her house. Just a few seconds ago, I saw a figure shift inside what I can only assume is the bedroom window. We'll have to take a chance and sneak in there to see if we can find Grimmjow." Szayel explained.

Gin thought about it for a moment, then broke out grinning. "Aww, my lil' Grimm-kitty's growin' up! Murdering people, screwing multiple ladies at once, tying his own hakama…"

"Can it, Gin. I'm going in, and it's up to you two if you follow me or not." Nnoitra interjected, and started off towards Orihime's apartment.

Szayel looked over at Gin, who nodded back to him, and the both silently followed Nnoitra.

Nnoitra motioned for them to stop moving with a few frantic waves of his hand. Someone inside the window had just moved, but quickly settled down again. Seems like they were in the clear for now.

Inching up the drainpipe like the ninjastic warrior of justice and tongue-tattoos he is, Nnoitra made it to Orihime's window. He looked down to see Gin and Szayel standing under him. Gin gave him a double thumbs-up, and Nnoitra replied by flicking him off. Peering through the window, Gin's fears were confirmed. There, covered only by the thinnest of sheets, was Grimmjow Jaeggerjaques, the Sexta Espada of Aizen's army, tangled in a mess of female arms. He looked satisfied, with a huge cocky smirk plastered across his face. On either side of him were two chicks that Nnoitra would not mind screwing into a wall, or screwing into anything for that matter. As hot as they were, he knew they were dangerous. So as subtly as he could, he opened the window and wormed his way in.

Rather unsure of what to do next, he circled the bed, and each time he was about to prod Grimmjow, he would quickly retract his hand, afraid of waking the girls.

Just as he mustered up the courage to finally slap Grimmjow awake, Gin popped in through the window and nearly tipped over a lamp.

"Fuck!" Nnoitra hissed at Gin, who was now stumbling around in the clothes that the three in bed had discarded the night before. The shinigami picked up a pair of Hawaiian-patterned blue bowers.

"I doubt these are Yoruichi's." Gin remarked wickedly.

Just then, Szayel jumped in through the window, surprisingly graceful for someone with a hangover.

Giving his comrades an annoyed look, he walked over to Grimmjow and tweaked his nipples. Hard.

Cerulean eyes shot open, as their owner squeaked in shock. Grimmjow started flailing around, until he saw Szayel frantically trying to calm him down. He felt something move next to him. He slowly turned his head, and saw lovely purple hair splayed across a pillow. Woah.

Grimmjow looked back up to the octava as Szayel began communicating to him through hand signals. He put a finger to his lips, then motioned to the two females in bed next to the sexta. The then proceeded to demonstrate them waking up by clasping his hands together next to his check and closing his eyes, then shooting them open. Shortly followed by Szayel fake choking himself. Grimmjow's eyes widened. He got the message.

Nnoitra and Gin slowly began removing arms from Grimmjow's chest and, *cough* _other_ regions, as the panther himself silently crept out of bed.

Many stressful minutes later, Grimmjow was out of the bed. Nnoitra looked over at him, and broke out in a toothy grin.

"Man, you got seriously lucky last night." He whispered.

"It's not luck, bro. I have a fucking sexual aura that calls the bitches to me." Grimmjow replied, also breaking out into his trademark grin.

"Either way, that must have been some great lay." Nnoitra replies, high-fiving the sexta.

A cough was heard from across the room.

"Grimmjow… we have yet to find Starrk and Ulquiorra, and you need to be clothed to go out in public." Szayel said, motioning to the bluenette's exposed junk, then to Gin, who was wearing the boxers on his head and giggling.

"Right… gimme that." Grimmjow grabbed the boxer from Gin and was just slipping them on when he heard a quiet moan.

Wide eyed, all four of the idiots looked back towards the bed, where sleepy golden eyes were just beginning to crack open.

"Shit! Go, go, go!" Gin motioned to the other three. He had safely gotten Szayel and Nnoitra down the drainpipe when he heard a voice from behind him.

"Gin Ichimaru? Is that you?" Gin spun around as Yoruichi, now half-awake, sat up in bed and addressed him, the sheets pooling at her sides, leaving her upper half exposed for all to see.

Fighting the inevitable nosebleed, but knowing that the world would end if she caught any of them, Gin ushered Grimmjow, still in his Hawaiian boxers, out of the window.

Just as Yoruichi finally pieced together what had happened after seeing Orihime, Gin was out on the drainpipe just outside the window.

Seeing that his old comrade's face was now contorted in rage, Gin decided to make him exit.

"Bye-bye!" he sang out with a little wave, before disappearing down the pipe to the safety of the ground below.

As soon as he hit the ground, he heard a full-out shriek come from the window.

"ICHIGOOOOOOOO!"

That must have been Orihime. It's good to know that she was okay even with the hangover.

"We better get going before our little strawberry buddy comes through and mops the floor with us." Gin stated, and took off running down the way to the park that he had found a crapload of fuzzies in.

"Wait! I'm still fucking naked!" Grimmjow bellowed out after his superior.

Szayel adjusted his glasses before following Gin with the other two close behind him. "It's useless. Ichimaru's mind is like a time bomb ready to go off at any given second. Except for that fact that it's constantly going off. So it's more like a nuclear fusion chain reaction, but due to the fact that underdeveloped human scientists have yet to perfect that method, unlike me, the perfect being, I suppose that in their terms I would have to say that Ichimaru's mind is rather like a fission reaction, unless you're getting technical, because in fission the neutrons of the atoms and being split, and it would be a lie to say that Ichimaru's mind is decreasing in idiocy, but because it-"

Grimmjow kicked Szayel across the chest, sending him flying into a tree. "Shut up, you moron. Your brainiac talk is raping my mind."

Nnoitra picked the octava up out of the tree's remains and jogged with the limp, festering Espada up to Gin and Grimmjow, who were now in the park with Gin's beloved fuzzies.

Dumping Szayel on the ground, the quinta turned to Gin.

"So… what now? We still have no idea where Starrk and Ulquiorra are. I mean, I never really liked them anyways, seeing as they are uncaring bastards that are ranked above me, but wouldn't Aizen pound our asses in if we lost either of them?"

Grimmjow nodded. "Especially Ulquiorra. He's Aizen's lapdog."

Gin shook his finger at the sexta. "Ya shouldn't talk like that. Aizen's little 'lapdog' is ranked cuarta, which means he's a lot scarier than he looks."

Grimmjow snorted. "Yeah, whate- Crystal blue eyes widened.

Grimmjow suddenly started coughing uncontrollably, doubling over and clutching his sides.

Gin gasped and ran over to grab the Espada from behind. "Don't worry, Grimmy! It's gonna be alright! Uncle Gin is here, and he knows how ta perform the Heimlich maneuver!"

Gin then continued to squeeze Grimmjow as hard as he could every few seconds, whispering soothing words into Grimmjow's ear, such as, "Don't worry," or "If yer a good kitty, I'll give ya some catnip later," or even, "I'll let you beat up Ulquiorra if you stop squirming so much."

During this ordeal, Nnoitra was on the ground, convulsing in laughter with teary eyes, while Szayel merely adjusted his glasses and smirked evilly at the bluenette.

"You… ha… ya… heh… YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE GETTING HUMPED!" Nnoitra managed to say through his laughing fit.

"SCREW" *hack* "YOU!" *cough*

Suddenly, something flew out of Grimmjow's mouth and onto the ground a few feet away. The sexta collapsed onto the ground in relief, finally inhaling a good breath.

"Gross…" Szayel made a face as he approached the wadded up object. He produced a pair of tweezers from somewhere, and pried the ball open.

"Gin!" Szayel suddenly exclaimed.

"Hmm?" Gin paused from patting Grimmjow's head while he recovered and looked up at the pink-haired scientist.

"We have another photograph over here!"

Gin looked at Grimmjow for a minute. "Ya really gotta watch what ya eat, kitty cat"

"Fuck you." Came his quiet reply.

Gin walked over to Szayel, and took a good look at the picture.

"Is that… Starrk?"

The photo depicted Starrk, bursting with energy, climbing a tree, with Ulquiorra passed out by the roots. Starrk appeared to be at least forty feet off the ground, with about eighty to go to reach the top.

"This is… concerning." Gin remarked as he furrowed his brow.

Gin hoped he didn't climb all the way to the top. It would be a huge pain in the ass to get him down.

Grimmjow leaned over to see what everyone was staring at. "Hey, what's with the photo? Damn, is that Starrk? He actually looks awake for once. Heh, Ulquiorra passed out. I wonder if he's still in the tree…"

Upon further examination of the photo, Grimmjow raised a brow. "Wait… could that tree be in this park? I mean, it's pretty big, and…" He trailed off as the sound of sirens was heard, not too far away from where the four stood.

Nnoitra smirked at them. "I'm willing to bet you my eye patch that Starrk is the reason behind those sirens."

Szayel rolled his eyes, then set off jogging towards the source of the sound. He was soon followed by Nnoitra and Grimmjow.

Noticing that Gin was no longer with them, Nnoitra turned around. Gin was lying down in a patch of his fuzzies, making a fuzz angel.

Sighing at the shinigami's idiocy, Nnoitra ran over and hoisted Gin up over his shoulder, then took off running after Szayel and Grimmjow.

"Hey! Pu' me down! Ya can't treat your uncle like some sort of toy!" Gin cried out, pinching Nnoitra back to emphasize his points.

"Watch me." Was the only reply Gin received before seeing the large group of fire trucks and a few police cars parked next to a tree.

"Sir! Please come down out of that tree, it is government owned property, and you are not allowed to sleep up there!"

Gin smiled. This was gonna be fun.

"_It's starting to get dark outside_

_I'm finally awake_

_I'm feeling kinda guilty_

_Is there something I can take?_

_There's lipstick on my collar_

_I'm piecing it together_

_Then I see a picture of me_

_And_

_You"_


	4. Starrk

**Hey guys! Sorry to interrupt, well, kinda, cause I'm gonna assume that the vast majority of you aren't actually reading this, but, eh, whatever. Anyways, I apologize for not getting this out sooner. There have been... um... complications, should I say. I got the Starrk chapter up though! I've had it almost done for a bit, and I just needed a few final touches. Next up is... well, read and you should now. Or use process of elimination. Your call. Bye for now, and I hope you likey! o3o**_  
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_"From last night_

_Can't remember_

_What happened_

_Where'd we go?_

_I woke up_

_This morning_

_Where's my car?_

_Where's my keys?_

_Where's my clothes?"_

"Hello, officer. Does there seem to be a problem here?" Gin asked as he slinked over to the nearest cop.

"Hell yeah there's a problem. Some hungover idiot is asleep up in that tree, and no matter what the fire department does, he won't wake up. We even shot bullets at him." Fired back an angry looking young man.

"I have some strange feeling that I know the man up there." Szayel droned out sarcastically, at which Grimmjow thought really hard for a few seconds, before replying in all seriousness, "That's weird, 'cause I think I know him too!"

'Is this guy serious?' Was all Gin could manage to think before he heard a deep voice shout out above the others.

"ALRIGHT! HENDERSON, BRING OUT THE FIRE HOSE! IF WE CAN'T WAKE HIM UP BY SCREAMING AT HIM, I'M SURE A COLD, REFRESHING BATH WOULD DO THE TRICK!"

Nnoitra suddenly snapped back awake. He had lain down on the ground for a bit to try to sleep his hangover off, but the booming voice pounding into his head from the megaphone deprived him on any Z's he hoped to obtain.

"Oi! What the fuck, man? Can't you-" Nnoitra suddenly stopped when he processed what the man had said. Oh, shit. He had seen Starrk wet, and the guy was a fucking animal when it came to water. Just sprinkle him with a little, and he went into full-out rage mode for at least three hours. Get him wet while he was sleeping, and you were just begging for the world's population to be decimated.

"Hey! Wait! Don't hose the guy! He'll fucking kill you all!" Nnoitra cried out, running over to the fire truck that was unwinding a long hose. The quinta began to bang on the side door of the big red vehicle. "Stop it already, bro!"

The fireman just leaned out of the window and gave him a little smile. "It's okay, sonny boy. Just let the fire department handle this one. Your little friend will be down here with us in no time. All set? Okay! Fire at will!"

"Shit! Take cover!" Our spoony Espada screamed before grabbing Grimmjow and dragging him down into the nearest patch of bushes.

Szayel took the hint and clambered up a nearby sakura tree. Gin, however, decided that because he was baby Starrky's precious uncle, he was immune from all harm and the destruction would be fun to watch.

Gin heard Grimmjow cry out, and as he turned around to check on his mini panther buddy, he heard the sound of water gushing out at high speeds and pressures. The wind started blowing, hard. Eyes wide (well, wide for Gin,) the shinigami slowly turned around and looked up. Starrk seemed to have woken up, because the distant shape up the topmost branched of the tree shifted slightly.

Gin's breath caught in his throat. How was he going to get down? Gin clenched his hands together at bit his tongue as Starrk suddenly stood up and swayed up in the sky.

"Sir! Please refrain from moving! Once we have a state fire truck, we'll have a lift high enough to safely return you to the ground!"

Gin looked over to the cop who had just ordered Starrk around through the megaphone he was holding.

"Ya don't wanna be talking too loudly right after he's woken up. Starrky gets angered by loud noises." Gin informed them solemnly.

The cop just grinned back at him. "I'll take my chances."

Gin sighed. When he heard the screaming, he decided to survey the area and take care of crowd control.

He checked back up on Starrk. What he saw stopped him in his tracks. Crystal eyes widened for what seemed like the thousandth time that day, as he saw Starrk jumping up and down on the branch.

"You idiot! It's gonna break! Don't do that!" Came the cop again.

Gin stared at Starrk as the branch finally gave way, only to have the primera dig his nails into the side of the tree and begin to slide down. How he did it without breaking his nails remained a mystery to Gin. Eh. Go figure.

Starrk was about halfway down the tree when the cop started bellowing out into the megaphone yet again.

"Sir! I have to ask you to stop doing that! You-" He was interrupted when Gin knocked the device out of his hands.

"Hey!" He yelled, forgetting that he was no longer speaking into the megaphone, his voice coming out on maximum volume and giving Gin an earful.

"If you say one more word, I will cut your stomach open, remove your large intestine, tie you up with it, cut of your dick, dice it up, fry it, and make ya eat it" Gin snarled menacingly, flashing him his famous glare.

The young man gulped. "Y-yes sir."

Grinning, Gin put his arm around the cop's shoulder. "Now that wasn't so hard, was it? Let's be friends now!"

Gin was just about to give the officer a "friendly" slap on the back when he felt a chill run down his spine.

He released the cop and checked up on Starrk's situation. He was no longer sliding down the tree.

Gin gulped as his eyes travelled down and examined Starrk, now standing at the bottom of the tree. His face was hidden by shadows cast from his hair, and his hands were clenched into fists. Bad signs.

The primera slowly lifted his head, and his ice blue eyes glared daggers into any unfortunate enough to make eye contact with him. Gin swore he saw a few of the bystanders faint.

In a quiet voice that the shinigami could barely make out, Starrk asked, "Who am I to thank for the shower?"

When no one replied, the Espada jerked his head up and bellowed, "WHICH ONE OF YOU MOTHER-FUCKERS DECIDED IT WOULD BE FUNNY TO DOUSE ME WHILE I WAS SLEEPING? EH? WHO'S THE WISE GUY?"

He started stomping towards the crowd of police cars, his enraged aura striking fear into the hearts of many. Starrk reached to his side as if to grab his sword, but upon realizing that he was still in his gigai and had no weapon, he raised his fist in preparation for a skull-shattering punch.

"FUCK YOU!" Starrk started to swing. Gin quickly jumped into action.

Before Starrk could reach the trembling mob of police officers and civilians alike, Gin sprinted up, grabbed Starrk from behind, and ran away as fast as he possibly could while trying to restrain the raging arrancar.

Realizing that Gin could not escape with Starrk alone, Grimmjow, Nnoitra, and Szayel quickly caught up with Gin and aided in the tranquilization of the primera. After whispering soothing thoughts about ice cream and puppies and week-long naps, Starrk calmed down.

With labored breaths, Starrk finally stated with a certain finality, "I'm tired."

"He's back." Nnoitra stated, smirking.

"Well, I'm happy I got my little crack-head back. How ya feelin', Starrky?" Gin asked.

"Tired."

"Well, ya can't sleep yet. We still got one last little bad-boy to find. Anyone got any clues as to where Ukelala is?"

Starrk looked up at that. "You lost Ulquiorra? Of all people, he's the last…" Starrk trailed off, now thinking deeply.

"Actually, I think that I may have something that can help. I found it while I was up in the tree, but I was kind of PMSing. So, yeah. Here's what I have." Rubbing the back of his head, Starrk handed Nnoitra a slip of paper.

Gin frowned. "Tha's not a photo."

Nnoitra flipped the paper around, then looked at it upside down, sideways, then right side up again. Squinting at it, he stated, "I can't really read this."

Szayel, who had been jumping around Nnoitra, trying to get a look at the paper as well, but incapable due to the major difference in height, glared at the quinta and said, "Give it here, dumbass."

Szayel looked at the paper, then blinked a few times. Slowly, his face turned sour and he knitted his brows.

"What? What is it?" Grimmjow inquired.

"It's a receipt…"

"Wha?" Gin grabbed at the paper, and stared at it. As Szayel had stated, it was indeed a receipt. Looking down, it appears as though they had… OH MY GOD.

"Shit!" Gin cried, clawing at his hair in absolute desperation.

"Lemme see!" Grimmjow interjected, stealing the paper from a traumatized Gin.

"Welcome to Underground Cults United." Grimmjow read. "Your order is as follows:

Fake Moustache x 1

$3.00

Lettuce x 37

$69.00

Purple Sharpie Pen x 1

$0.70

Bubble Machine x 2

$60.00

Total: $132.70

No sales tax

Payment type: Special exception/Barter

Received as payment:

Emo Human Male x 1

Exchange Information:

Sold 'Ulquiorra Cifer' to the Hot Topic Fan cult. No refunds available at the moment"

Grimmjow stared at the paper for a few seconds. Something was kind of funny about this…

…oh wait.

SHIT!

"Damnit, Gin! We fucking sold Ulquiorra to Hot Topic obsessed cult members! Fuck!"

Nnoitra finally realized what was going on, and grabbed Gin by his shoulders and shook him frantically.

"Dude! If Aizen ever founds out that we did this, he'll dice us up into pieces and feed us to Yammy! How are we gonna get the Emospada back? Fuck!" Nnoitra was trembling at this point.

Starrk, who was sleeping up until that point, suddenly woke up and stated, "If it helps at all, I saw a group of gothic looking teens headed toward the zoo from up in the tree. It's just a little ways east of here."

The primera's four companions glared at him. "So you knew where Ulquiorra was the entire time." Szayel spat out venomously.

"I'm just saying that I saw a group headed that way. I don't know if they had Ulquiorra or if they were even headed to the zoo. All I wanted wa-" He was interrupted as Grimmjow grabbed his collar and dragged him along behind the other three, now racing to the zoo.

Gin smiled a little. He was going to get the last Espada back! He pulled the first photo he found from his pocket, and zeroed in on one particular pale face. "Don't worry, Ulqui. Uncle Gin is coming to bring ya home!" Gin declared confidently, as the five raced off into the sunset, err, sunrise.

_"I feel my head still spinning_

_But I'm doing alright_

_'Cause I think I just had_

_The best night of my life_

_Last night_

_Can't remember_

_What happened_

_Did it happen?_

_Last night"_


	5. Ulquiorra

_"And did I get the chance to say_

_That I wanted you to stay?_

_There's things I can't explain_

_'Cause my brain don't work that way"_

"Will you shut the hell up?"

Grimmjow was PMS-ing as the odd group dashed down the sidewalks of Karakura.

Gin, who had been whistling up to that point, gave Grimmjow a small, disapproving frown. "Ne, Grimmy, you don't have to be so mean."

Grimmjow paused and gave Gin a withering look before running to catch up with them. "So… You're sure you saw a posse of depressed-looking teens heading this way, Starrk?"

In response, Starrk stopped running abruptly. The rest followed in suit, and Szayel turned to face the Primera with a puzzled expression.

"Why did we-"

"Is that a good enough answer to your question?" Starrk asked the Sexta as he pointed straight ahead of them.

Through the gates of the city zoo, they could see a few straggling goths turning left towards the African exhibits.

"Well at least now we've got a confirmed lead," Szayel said as he started towards the main entrance.

Keeping a close eye on their targets, the five reached the gates, only to be stopped by a huge bodyguard. The guy was nearly on par with Yammy, for Aizen's sake.

"You need to pay admission to get through," he spat out at them.

Gin flashed him a winning smile before saying, "Well, ya see, we would do tha', but I left my wallet at home an' all my buddies here," he linked arms with Starrk and Nnoitra, "were countin' on me ta' pay. So I'll just be goin' through here and-" As Gin started to push past the man, he was violently shoved back.

"I said I can't let you in without a ticket. Booths are that way," the guard growled, pointing to some stands.

"But why can't ya-" Gin was suddenly interrupted by a shriek coming from his right.

Spinning around, he saw Szayel on the ground clutching his arm, with Starrk down by his side trying to comfort him. Upon further examination, he saw that Szayel's arm was twisted and deranged into a horrid shape, and was turning a sickly purple.

Using the opportunity presented to him, Gin swung around and grabbed the guard by his elbows (he couldn't reach his shoulders.) "Please sir! My friend just broke his arm, and we really need to go to your first aid stand! It's an emergency!" He frantically motioned to Szayel to scream a bit more, to which the pink-haired Arrancar complied.

Wailing at glass-shattering frequencies, Szayel started convulsing on the ground, and his eyes rolled back into his head. He started making gagging noises, and that's when the guard gave in.

"Okay, okay, fine. Take your friend in and get him fixed up, but I want you out as soon as that's over."

"Woot! Okay boys, bring in Pinky!" Gin paraded into the zoo, closely followed by Grimmjow, Nnoitra, and Starrk, who were carrying Szayel.

As soon as they were out of sight and earshot, Szayel stood up normally and popped his arm back into place. He proceeded to inject a questionable looking purple substance into his arm, and it quickly returned to its normal color. All discomfort disappeared from his eyes.

Gin grinned at him. "Tha' was a splendid act ya put up back there."

Szayel stared at him in boredom. "It wasn't an act. I actually broke my own arm, but seeing as I AM the perfect being, I find no pain in damaging any body part. And it has absolutely nothing to do with the stacks of drugs in my lab, so don't touch them."

"…Oh."

Starrk chose then to speak up. "Hey, guys? Where did the teens go?"

Gin snapped to attention and looked around. "Uh…"

"Well bros, I'll be over there raiding some food stands. I'm fuckin' starving," Grimmjow stated with a little wave before heading off to the nearest hot dog cart.

Szayel looked over at his remaining companions. "We might as well follow him. We have no leads, so it might be best to just split up and search."

Nnoitra, who had been silent for some time now, spoke up and said, "Well, guys, I've been thinking-"

Szayel snickered. "You? Thinking?"

"-and I said to myself, 'If I was a depressed, devil-worshiping cult member, where would I be?' And it kinda reminded me of Tosen! I mean, he's not a teenager, but he's rather depressed, he worships Aizen, and the whole Hueco Mundo thing is kinda like a big, evil cult, right? So, now we just have to find Tosen, and he'll lead us-"

"I'm gonna have to stop you right there, Quinta," Starrk interjected. "Tosen is in Las Noches, and if Ulquiorra was with him and the cult members in Las Noches, we wouldn't be down here looking for him."

"…Right…"

Gin decided that it was finally time to get serious and take the lead. "Alrigh' sissies, I think that we should-" A scream resonated through the zoo.

"Holy Seretei, how many times am I gonna be interrupted today?" Gin spat out in irritation. As he turned around to see who cut off his amazingly motivational speech, his head was attacked by a certain aqua-haired Espada.

"OH MY AIZEN IT WAS SO FUCKIN' SCARY THERE WERE THESE WHITE CATS WITHOUT FUCKIN' MOUTHS EVERYWHERE AND HOLY SHIT IT WAS SO CREEPY IT WAS LIKE WONDERWEISS RUNNING NAKED THROUGH LAS NOCHES BUT FIFTY MILLION KAJILLION TIMES SCARIER ASDFGHJKL*(^(!&ND&SD*#WMW( D':"

Gin cradled the big guy in his arms and stroked his hair. "Shh, calm down, kitty-boy. It's alright, Uncle Gin is here ta protect ya from the bad, mouthless cats."

Grimmjow whimpered, then finally allowed Gin to set him down on the ground. He looked like he just got run over by a truck.

Gin crouched down next to him. "Ok Grimmy, now tell me about everything that you saw."

Grimmjow gulped. "So, there was this massive cheese fries stand, right? And I was all like, 'Whoa man, that's freakin' awesome.' So I ran up to it, and then, across the lion exhibit, I saw this HUGE cluster of people with these white capes and hoods on. I climbed up in this tree to get a better look, and one of them turns around. The dude's hood had eyes, a nose, and a bow, but NO MOUTH. It was, like, the freakiest thing I've ever seen in my life, but, being the total badass that I am, I managed to keep my cool and report back to you guys."

"Yeah, that's why you ran back screaming, pussy," Nnoitra sneered as he put on his piano-faced grin.

As Grimmjow and Nnoitra bickered, Starrk stood up calmly and started walking in the direction Grimmjow came from.

Szayel raised an eyebrow at him. "Where are you going?"

Starrk looked back with a lazy expression and stated, "I'm off to get Ulquiorra. The sooner we get the Cuarta back, the sooner I get to go back to Las Noches and sleep."

Gin shrugged and motioned for the others to follow Starrk.

As they neared the lion exhibit, Szayel approached Gin. "So… I'm assuming that you don't have a plan."

"Of course I have a plan! I'm gonna save Ulqui!"

"…"

Gin pouted. "Aww, ya got no faith in me, Pinky. I'll get Emospada back, you watch!"

"Well, if you do intend to help Ulquiorra, I suggest you start. The lion exhibit is right there."

Gin looked up. He soon wished he hadn't.

Grimmjow was right; there was a massive crowd of goths in Hello Kitty hoodies congregated around a tall looking guy with a black cape and a mask with cat-ear extensions. He seemed to be chanting, circling his hands over some kind of dubious-looking bag. Body bag. Oh shit.

Gin was about to pass out, thinking that he was going to have to return a dead body to Aizen in place of his most loved Espada.

He veered over, only to be caught by Szayel in the nick of time. "I'm gonna be sick."

Szayel pulled him up by his hair. "Even if Ulquiorra is cold and dead now, it's not like he'll be much different. Aizen probably won't be able to notice a difference. Just recover the body, and we'll be good."

Gin forced himself to watch as the bag was hauled over to the railing of the lion habitat and pushed over the side.

As the bag fell, Gin looked away. He couldn't bear it. He had failed. Aizen was SO gonna have his ass for this.

Gin's 'wallow-in-self-pity' time was interrupted when Grimmjow attacked him from behind.

Gin mournfully looked up to see the Sexta frantically pointing into the lion exhibit. "ZOMG GIN DO SOMETHING EMO'S GONNA GET KILLED! Not that I care or anything… BUT HOLY CRAP."

Upon hearing this, Gin broke free of Szayel and Grimmjow's grip and rushed over to Nnoitra and Starrk, who were leaning over the side staring into the exhibit.

Suspended over a group of angry-looking lions by fishing line, tied up and outfitted with his very own, personal Hello Kitty bandana, was the fourth Espada. Ulquiorra looked dazed, and as he swung around above the aggressive felines, an item tied around his neck caught Gin's attention. The shinigami's breath caught in his throat. It was a camera.

Gin was caught off guard when the ominous chanting got louder. As he diverted his attention back to the Hot Topic cult, he noticed that many had joined the tall boy in his chanting. There were now two white-cloaked figures using chalk to draw a sacrificial circle in front of their leader. Candles were brought forth and placed around the chalk drawing. The kid holding the rope suspending Ulquiorra ran to the center of the circle, jerking the confused Arrancar abruptly to the left. He tied the rope to a hook in the ground and returned to his spot in the cluster around the circle. The chanting got louder, and the teens closed in around the circle as their leader stepped forward. Slowly, the tall, caped man drew a machete from his sleeve.

"Ooh… dangerous," Gin grinned, his psychotic nature causing him to temporarily forget the Cuarta.

Gin suddenly felt a hand connect with the back of his head. He rubbed his new injury as he noticed Nnoitra glaring down at him. "That hurt, Spoony," he whined.

"Aren't you the one always calling us Aizen's babies? Go get Ulquiorra! They're gonna sacrifice him to the Kitty God of Hell! Didn't you hear? He's gonna get shredded!" Nnoitra spat out at him. "If Ulquiorra dies, so will the rest of us! Without Ulquiorra, Aizen will expect US to do all of his chores! I can't deal with that sort of work!"

Gin tapped his chin. "Hmm… Lemme think on that one…" He then received another slap on the head, this one harder.

This time, it was Starrk who had delivered the blow. Leaning down menacingly, he growled into Gin's face. "If I lose any more sleep over something you caused, I will castrate you."

Gin swallowed. "Understood." Starrk was almost as pissed off now as he was when he got drenched.

Walking over casually, as if he was strolling in the park instead of saving his underling, the silver-haired idiot approached the cult leader.

What was he going to say? 'Hey guys! Um, I know you bought Ulqui, but I'm just gonna borrow him for the next few eons! Kisses!' Yeah, no, I don't think so.

As he got closer to the gathering, the leader raised his machete and pulled off his hood.

Gin paused. Does he know this guy? Tall, dark, well-built, curly hair, this gold-necklace thing, and a winged heart and snake tattoo… Chester? Chase? Eh, nevermind. Probably never seen him before.

The big guy suddenly opened his mouth and shouted, "AMORE E MORTE! PARA EL GATO DIOS DE HELL-*" The rest of whatever he was going to say was drowned out by the intense cheering as he brought down the sword on the only thing preventing Ulquiorra from imminent death. For the second time.

Ulquiorra, who had just been 'hanging out' up until now suddenly started falling.

Everything seemed to go in slow motion. Screams were heard. Hands reached out over the railing in a desperate attempt to save the doomed Arrancar. Fists were pumped in celebration. Snores were heard. Emerald eyes widened until Gin was sure they would pop out of his head. Which wouldn't be too much of a problem, seeing as the Cuarta could regenerate, but that was aside from the point.

Gin had lost all hope, well, again, when he saw a blur of pink and blue streaking towards the bound Emospada. Gin nearly fell over the side of the railing as he took in Szayel and Grimmjow speeding towards Ulquiorra, swinging from a…

…Was that a chain of octopi? Luppi wouldn't be too happy about that.

Szayel seemed to be everywhere at once, periodically injecting the invertebrates with what looked like painkillers, and keeping all the knots in their arms tied tightly. Grimmjow was at the bottom of the chain, one hand wrapped in a tentacle, the other reaching out for Ulquiorra.

The only thing that Gin could think was that this situation was like some kind of twisted, gay, tentacle rape love story. Insert slight nosebleed here.

Gin watched as Grimmjow caught Ulquiorra's knees, and held back a giggle as the Cuarta flopped helplessly onto the Sexta's back, only to faceplant in a tentacle. That would leave a mark.

So everything had worked out! Starrk was sleeping by the hippos, Nnoitra was trying to rape some cult members (gender unspecified), and Grimmjow, Szayel, and Ulquiorra were-

Gin's thought process was cut off as the three previously named Espada crashed into him. Trapped under the pile of limbs and tentacles, Gin thrashed around before worming out of the stack under Szayel. As soon as he saw Ulquiorra, hands tied, attached to a fishing line, suction-cupped to a few octopi, but safe, he broke out into a grin.

"Yer safe!" he cried, throwing his arms around Ulquiorra and squeezing the bajeezus out of him.

"That is correct," the Cuarta mumbled through a mouthful of silver hair.

Throwing Szayel, Grimmjow, and the octopi off, Gin picked up Ulquiorra and dusted him off.

"Lookie there! You're only slightly traumatized! And it was yer very first human sacrifice ritual! Aww, ya make yer Uncle Gin proud!" the shinigami beamed.

Starrk, who had been woken during all the commotion, poked Gin's shoulder. "Err… what are we gonna do about them?" He pointed to the Hot Topic addicts, all staring at the odd little group now in possession of their precious sacrifice to the Kitty God.

"Uh…" Gin's mind raced as the group slowly started approaching them.

Nnoitra randomly appeared out of nowhere. "HEY GUYS! 75% OFF AT ABERCROMBIE IN THE NEXT 30 MINUTES!"

A low growl rose from the cult. This seemed to anger them.

Szayel grabbed Nnoitra. "Spoon, you idiot! Don't you know that goths never shop at Abercrombie! Now we're in for it!"

Nnoitra was about to shoot something back at the pink-haired scientist when Gin caught his arm.

"Save it for Las Noches! Now that I got ya all, we can go back!"

Gin was about to jump out of his gigai and open a garganta when a strong hand grabbed his neck.

"You interrupted our ritual."

Gin slowly turned to look up at the buff Hispanic guy. He had re-positioned his hood, and it now cast scary shadows across his face.

"Well, ya see… I was just gonna… But then the… Cheese puffs… Um… Bye bye!"

Gin slung Ulquiorra, still constricted in Hello Kitty bandannas, across his shoulders, and took off running towards the zoo's entrance. Grimmjow and Nnoitra, not knowing what else to do, followed him. Szayel tapped Starrk on the shoulder, waking him up from the nap he was taking while standing up, and together, they brought up the rear of their little run away party.

_"Don't call this a one night stand_

_No, it wasn't planned_

_Wasn't in my head, but_

_I just wanna do it_

_Again and again_

_And again_

_Just like…"_

**A/N**

**Here's some clarification from above:**

***Love and Death! For the Kitty God of Hell-"**

**And then Chad got cut off. Yes, Chad is the leader of the secret underground Hot Topic cult. And Amore e Morte is what his tattoo says, so I thought it fit.**

**Why is the cult obsessed with Hello Kitty? Just LOOK in a Hot Topic store. Matter settled.**

**I've already decided what to do for the next chapter, so now it's just the tedious task of writing it. But it's FUN :D so I'll get it finished, but maybe not for a while. Midterms and all…**

**Dumb tests. Always ruining my fanfiction fun.**

**And sorry that it took so long to get this finished D: it just kept getting longer and longer, and I couldn't end it. It was painful for me to end it like I did anyways.**

**LONG AUTHOR NOTE IS LONG**

**Bye Bye~**


	6. Lesser of Two Evils

_"Last night_

_Can't remember_  
><em><br>What happened?_  
><em><br>Where'd we go?"_

"So Ulqui… Got any ideas?"

"Nothing in particular."

"…I see."

Gin quickly learned that making small talk with the person that you're currently balancing on your shoulders as you run like all hell broke loose is quite difficult. Especially when said person rarely talks in the first place.

Grimmjow glanced over at Gin. "Hey, can't you just pop open a Garganta and toss us through or something?"

"I can't do tha' in a gigai," Gin informed him. "If we're gonna go back to Las Noches, we need to stop an' pop out o' these faux bodies. That'll take 'round three minutes."

"We don't have three minutes though."

"My point."

"I'm tired!"

"Shut up, Starrk! I have an experiment I should be performing right now!"

"Can it, Szayel, I have a 'private session' with Cirucci in around 20 minutes!"

"Spoon, dude, that's twisted. Isn't she a sadist? Besides, I have to feed my ca- I mean beat up Ichigo in three minutes!"

Ulquiorra turned his head and glared at the four behind him, looking as menacing as possible while bouncing around on someone's back covered in Hello Kitty merchandise. "Do refrain from speaking, all of you. It wastes the energy that you should be putting forth into your running efforts."

Grimmjow stuck his tongue out. "Ha, so says the guy that doesn't even have to run," he scoffed.

Ulquiorra gave him a blank look before straining his neck to look around at his surroundings.

Gin sighed. Aizen should really train his kids to get along better.

His thoughts were interrupted when he noticed that he was falling behind the others. Slowly but surely, Gin was tiring out. Sprinting and carrying Ulquiorra at the same time was extremely taxing. He wouldn't be able to hold out for much longer.

"Ne, *huff* Nnoi-Nnoi? Starrky? D'ya think that *wheeze* we could maybe *hack* take a break or *cough* something?"

Starrk looked back to see Gin barely keeping their pace. A flash of concern swept across his face, and a plan was quickly formulated. Hey, he wasn't the Primera Espada for nothing.

"Hey, turn this way," Starrk ordered.

The group veered left. Bad idea.

They passed by the park again, and were quickly spotted by the fire department. They were still pretty hyped up about Starrk screwing them over. They displayed their displeasure by joining the Hello Kitty mob in the chase.

"Smooth moves, genius," Szayel snapped at Starrk. "Now we have a bunch of fire idiots on our tails too."

"Starrk… *gasp* can you *gag* please hurry *cough* up?" Gin was falling over himself by now, barely able to stand.

"Yes, I agree with Gin. I think that it would be in our best interests to deal with this situation quickly," Ulquiorra deadpanned as he bounced around on Gin's shoulder.

"Err, maybe it's this way," Starrk directed.

"You don't sound too sure of yourself."

"… I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Right…"

Starrk led them down an alley, past some weird, big, educational building.

Szayel gasped.

"What's the problem?" Starrk questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"Erm…" Szayel didn't need to answer his question when countless angry professors and administrators came charging out of the building in pursuit of the pink-haired freak.

Szayel grinned sheepishly and rubbed the back of his head. "Heh heh…"

Starrk just shook his head in exasperation and continued to lead them through the weaving paths of Karakura.

He made it to the residential district and made a sharp right. Shrieking was heard from above him.

"THAT'S HIM, KUROSAKI-KUN! THAT'S THE GUY THAT-"

"Don't finish that sentence, Inoue." A certain flame-headed shinigami glared down at Grimmjow.

"Let's bash some feline brains in, Berry," Yoruichi drawled out with an evil looking smirk.

"Don't call me that," Ichigo growled out before flash-stepping towards the sixth Espada, closely followed by his comrade.

"I know I'm not the smartest dude ever, but if we can't sonido in gigais, we're pretty fucked, aren't we?" Nnoitra reasoned.

Szayel adjusted his glasses. "That seems to be a fairly accurate prediction."

"Almost there…" Starrk muttered to himself before taking a U-turn.

He ran past a Victoria's Secret, a broken cop car, and the sad remains of what looked like a bar.

"HEY, YOU! TALL FREAK! DID YOU DO THIS?" an angry voice bellowed from the rubble.

"I HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!" Nnoitra shot back.

"But you just spoke."

"Screw you."

The bartender had friends, so it seemed. Big, scary friends, with lots of tattoos and motorcycles. Kinda like what Kenpachi would be like as a human. The dude and his buddies gave chase to the Quinta, joining the rapidly growing riot of people all pitted against Aizen's dear babies. Plus Gin.

Speaking of Gin, the shinigami was on the verge of death. For the second time. Ulquiorra looked scared for once in his life, probably because Gin's grip on his waist was slackening, threatening to drop the fourth at any given time. Due to the fact that Ulquiorra was still wrapped head-to-toe in bandanas, once on the ground, he wouldn't be going anywhere any time soon.

Starrk changed course again. "Over here, idiots."

He breezed past four cops examining a broken police car. Déjà vu.

One cop cried out and pointed to Gin. He ran after the white-haired mistake of a man, waving his gun in the air. The other three quickly backed him up. Starrk sighed. Just his luck. Gin was gonna drop dead if he didn't…

…Wait, what's that noise?

Starrk pretty much fist pumped in ecstasy, and waved the others into one final turn. He picked up his pace, and sensing his enthusiasm, so did the others. Save for Gin. The guy was half dead, for Aizen's sake.

The group suddenly burst out into the open. Straight onto a highway. Starrk plowed right on into the traffic. Seeing as they were all mindlessly following Starrk like they were zombies following brains, or drunks following alcohol, or Rukia following Chappy, or Kon following boobs, or Tousen following justice, or Mello following chocolate (*cough* crossover *cough*) or Orihime following Ichigo…

…I kinda got carried away with the similes. Forget that.

Ahem. Seeing as they were all mindlessly following Starrk, they continued onto the highway right alongside him. Little did they know that he was about as clueless as they were.

Speeding across the freeway at breakneck speeds, Starrk was able to get all of his friends across safely and they lived happily ever after and ate ice cream and Grimmjow got a pony and they all puked glitter. THE END.

Yeah, no.

Starrk was promptly hit by a car.

Szayel put his arms out and stopped Grimmjow, Nnoitra, and Gin from getting by as Starrk's body flew across his field of vision and the truck came to a screeching halt.  
>1hr 28mins ago<p>

A man cloaked in green stuck his head out of the passenger's side, a single curious eye peering at them from the shadows cast across his face by his green-striped hat. He conjured a fan out of what seemed to be thin air, then hid the only lit up parts of his face with it.

"Oh dear, oh dear, oh deary me! Tessai, look what you've done! You damaged the front of the truck by running over some druggie!" The man clucked his tongue at some other dude sitting in the driver's seat.

"I apologize, Kisuke. I'll fix it right up when we return to the store." The other guy, Tessai, responded coolly.

"No need, no need. I'll just do it now," Kisuke chirped happily, and jumped out of the truck.

He strode over to where Starrk lay on the road. All traffic and mobs paused for a minute. This would be fun.

As Kisuke prodded, kicked, and injected questionable substances into the Primera, Gin quickly set Ulquiorra down beside him and went to work separating his soul from his gigai.

Gin was never very good at this, and Starrk had almost returned to consciousness by the time Gin finally made it back to his spiritual form.

"Haha! Eat this, suckers!" he cried out before pulling a massive sack out of his sleeve, bagging all of the Espada except for Starrk, and popping open a garganta. Starrk was reacting to the endless abuse by now, and stared wide-eyed at Gin.

"Naww, don't ya worry 'bout nothin', Starrky boy! Uncle Gin's gonna take ya back, too! Aizen will never know!" Gin informed him proudly.

Starrk lifted a quaking finger and pointed to Gin, trying to voice something, but the words stuck in his throat.

Gin frowned a little. "Ne, didn't Daddy Aizen teach ya that it was rude to point? I'll have ta talk ta him on his parenting skills…"

A heavy hand came down on Gin's shoulder.

Who would dare… wait. Gin knew this reiatsu. This could only belong to…

…Oh crap.

"What did you want to tell me about how I parent my Arrancar?" Sosuke Aizen asked Gin smoothly.

"Erm, well, uh, ya see, eh heheh, um, it's not like that, err, it's just…"

"Why don't we go discuss this in my throne room?" Aizen got this creepy smile on his face, like he was about to dissect a puppy and feed on its brains. "I'm sure that we can have a nice, long talk on why you thought it was okay to steal my precious Espada."

Gin could feel the grip on his shoulder tightening.

From inside the bag, Gin could hear a muffled, "Aizen-sama? Is that you?"

Aizen smiled lovingly at the bag Gin was carrying. "Hush now, Ulquiorra. Daddy will be with you all in a moment."

Aizen finally took in the scene around him. He sighed. "I suppose it can't be helped then. Avert your eyes, Gin. Shatter-"

Gin quickly looked into the garganta, away from his leader.

"-Kyoka Suigetsu."

When Gin looked back, everyone was gone, and Starrk was asleep, cradled in Aizen's arms.

"Now Gin, why don't you tell me the whole story?"

"Daww, tha's not really necessary, is it?"

"Gin…"

"…"

"…"

"…It was Tousen, I swear."

_"I woke up_  
><em><br>This morning_  
><em><br>Where's my car?_  
><em><br>Where's my keys?_  
><em><br>Where's my clothes?"_


	7. Conclusion

_"I feel my head still spinning_  
><em><br>But I'm doing alright_  
><em><br>'Cause I think I just had_  
><em><br>The best night of my life"_

Ulquiorra waltzed out of the infirmary. He had just checked up on Starrk, who had previously been viciously attacked by the front of Kisuke Urahara's truck. The Primera's condition was stable, luckily, and now all Ulquiorra had to do was report back to Aizen-sama.

Still slightly hungover, Ulquiorra twisted around a corner and came face to face with Grimmjow. The dude looked like shit. With his hair tousled, clothes wrinkly, and face aged beyond his years, Grimmjow looked like he had just survived the apocalypse only to find out he had a terrible disease and was about to die anyways. Ah, the lovely effects of alcohol.

Upon seeing the Cuarta, Grimmjow sauntered over. "How are ya coping with your hangover? I mean, even you should feel some effects," Grimmjow whined.

Ulquiorra stared at him blankly. "I'm not coping," he replied. "I simply choose not to display any emotions of pain or discomfort whatsoever, as they are signs of weakness, and I am not weak."

"Trash," he added as an afterthought.

Ulquiorra started to walk away. Grimmjow panicked, faceplanted on the ground, and clung for dear life to his superior's right leg.

"Ulquiiiiiiii~," he whimpered. "Ya wouldn't want one of Aizen-sama's-" he made sure to drawl out the 'sama', "- babies to be hurt, would ya?"

Ulquiorra cast a glance down at him before sighing and drawing a baggie out of his pocket.

Grimmjow jumped up in excitement.

"Hell yeah! Drugs!" he clapped Ulquiorra on the back repeatedly, knocking the breath out of the fourth Espada every time. "I knew that ya had some weird thing about ya. Drug addict! Shoulda thought of it sooner!"

Ulquiorra threw him an apathetic side glance. "It's aspirin, Sexta. Pop a few in, and your headache should leave you promptly." Ulquiorra began walking again.

Grimmjow lunged for the bag and swallowed it all dry, baggie included.

"Right, so now that that's outta the way…" Grimmjow conversed, following Ulquiorra.

"…"

"Whatcha doin?"

"I am reporting the condition of the Primera to Aizen-sama."

"Hmm, sounds boring."

"Then leave."

"…"

"…"

"Nahh~"

Ulquiorra turned to face him with a sigh. "Sexta, why must you-" Grimmjow grabbed him and dragged him around a corner, covering his mouth.

Once hidden from view, Ulquiorra slapped Grimmjow across the face with his oh-so-conveniently placed horn. Spinning on his heel, he droned at the Sexta, "Grimmjow. If you ever deem it necessary to escort me to an undisclosed location again, which you shouldn't, but if you ever do, please refrain from making physical contact with me. I will rip out your small intestine and hang you with it if this scenario should ever befall us again. Furthermore-"

"Shut up, Ulquiorra. Listen," Grimmjow whispered, pressing himself up against the wall and cupping his hand to his ear.

Ulquiorra, now curious, followed in suit. All of Las Noches seemed to fall silent as the Cuarto strained to hear whatever had caused the trashy sixth Espada to act like he did.

Muffled words. A scream. Some object hitting a wall or floor. Sounds dangerous, and potentially worth reporting to Aizen-sama. Ulquiorra decided that this situation was worth his time.

"Wha-"Grimmjow started as Ulquiorra grabbed his collar and began dragging him towards the origins of the noises.

Ulquiorra closed his eyes and concentrated on the sound.

Left here, right turn, middle of the five-way intersection, past Aizen's special herbal tea room, left, left, up the stairs-

"How can ya get around so well with your eyes closed? You related Gin or something?" Grimmjow snapped him out of his thoughts.

"Actually, yes. He's my uncle," Ulquiorra informed his sarcastically.

Grimmjow's eyes widened. "Whoa, really? That's so weird, 'cause he's my uncle too! We must be like, cousins or something!"

"If you're thinking like that, we would actually be brothers."

"Dude, that's messed up. I hear that Starrk and Halibel are screwing, and if they're related too, isn't that intestinal?"

"I do believe you mean incestual, trash. And now that you bring it up…"

That was kinda weird. Ulquiorra frowned.

"It is aside the point. Right now, we must locate the source of disturbance. We are presently very close."

"Really? If the person screaming is almost dead, I can murde- um, I mean put them out of their misery, right?"

"I don't see why not."

Grimmjow grinned. "Win."

Two massive twin doors stood before Ulquiorra. This was where the noise was coming from.

He was about to open the doors when Grimmjow grabbed his shoulder.

"Wait," he hissed. "Can't ya sense whose reiatsus are in there?"

Hmm. Strange that he didn't think of doing that. Since when was Grimmjow more alert than he was?

Ulquiorra reached out with his massive reiatsu, subtly analyzing the others in the room.

He jolted up. "It's… Aizen-sama…"

"And?"

"And… Ichimaru as well…"

Now thoroughly interested, the two Espada ran over and pressed their ears to the doors.

Grimmjow scrunched up his eyebrows. "I can't hear anything."

Ulquiorra made a face at him. "Then you are deaf. I'll relay back to you what I can hear."

Ulquiorra paused for a few seconds. He made a sick face, but kept to his word.

"Aizeeeeeeeen! Stoooop! I can't take it! It's too much!" Ulquiorra whined out.

Grimmjow felt his jaw hit the floor. "That was… "

"Gin, yes. That was him," Ulquiorra clarified.

"Now," Ulquiorra cleared his throat. "Shh, quiet now, Gin. Wouldn't want anyone hearing us, now would we? It would be such a pity if the fun ended prematurely."

Ulquiorra switched from a low voice to one slightly higher and crankier. "Ya call this fun? My mind's 'bout to blow! I can't deal with this sorta stuff!"

"Just a little longer," Ulquiorra continued in his Aizen voice. "I'm almost done. I know that it's long, but I'll take it out soon. It's nearly over."

Grimmjow choked a little. WTF?

"Aizen! Nooooooooooo!" Ulquiorra was really getting into it, articulating his last statement with a little whimper at the end. Guess the alcohol was still in his system.

"There, that wasn't so bad, was it?" Ulquiorra's face didn't display that he knew anything was wrong.

Poor, oblivious, little guy. Grimmjow felt kinda guilty for not informing Ulquiorra on what was happening.

Just as Grimmjow finally decided to shine some light on the subject for the fourth, Ulquiorra's eyes widened exponentially. His mouth fell open.

"What? What did they do?" Grimmjow asked frantically, shaking the Cuarta.

Ulquiorra just shook his head. Grimmjow shook him harder. "C'mon! Spill it!"

Ulquiorra coughed a little. He opened his eyes and took a deep breath.

Reverting back to his Aizen tone, he answered the Sexta. "And that, Gin, is how babies are made."

As the fourth hid his face in his hands, Grimmjow started hyperventilating.

Sweet mother of… that's sick.

Grimmjow snapped back to attention as he heard footsteps approaching them from behind the door.

Remembering Ulquiorra's previous threat about physical contact, Grimmjow hissed, "Ulquiorra! We have to get out of here! Pull yourself the fuck together!"

The fourth shakily stood up, and together, they sonidoed away to cry into Halibel's boobs.

* * *

><p>Aizen popped his head out of the room. Seeing no one there, he returned and finally released Gin from the metal chair he had been strapped to.<p>

Gin was in ruins. "Ne, Aizen! Was the Sexual Education video really necessary? I mean, the dog giving birth was pretty mentally damaging."

Aizen simply smirked. "Good, then. Goal achieved."

* * *

><p>Szayel had just finished helping out in Starrk's recovery. He strode down the great white halls of Las Noches.<p>

"Szayel? What's with the face?" Nnoitra questioned as he stepped out from behind a corner.

Szayel looked up. "I'm rather troubled by the fact that I have no plausible idea of what happened last night. If we had more pictures, I could probably put together a more complete hypothesis."

"What about that shiny metal box thing that Ulquiorra had?" Nnoitra offered.

Szayel stopped and stared. "Of course… the camera!" he said, more to himself.

The eighth suddenly sonidoed off.

"O-oi! Wait up!" The fifth took off after him.

* * *

><p>After having an emotional counseling session with the Tercera, Grimmjow and Ulquiorra decided that their next course of action would be to burden others with the new information. Starrk was their obvious first victim. I mean, he was currently immobile from the waist down. It's not like he had a choice.<p>

Back in the infirmary, the pair walked over to Starrk.

Just as Grimmjow was about to launch into a heartfelt story on how gross Gin was and how he wished he was never born, Szayel burst in, tailed by Nnoitra.

"Ulquiorra!" the Octava panted out, "I-"

The door was thrown open once more, and Gin staggered in.

Grimmjow looked like he just ** himself. Ulquiorra passed out, falling onto Starrk's bandaged legs.

"Ow."

Gin walked over and picked Ulquiorra up off of the Primera.

Feeling that he was being touched, the Cuarta yelped and quickly put as much distance as possible between him and Gin as possible without leaving the room.

Giving Ulquiorra a funny look, Szayel turned to him. "Ulquiorra, you still have the digital camera, correct?"

Confused for a moment, Ulquiorra paused. Realization dawned on his pale features. "Oh, yes, I do. It is here."

He pulled the dreaded object out of his pocket. He handed it to the Primera, who was conveniently in the center of everyone.

Starrk held up the camera, and some random holy light decided to shine upon it, adding to the drama of the moment.

"This is the only solid piece of proof that that night ever happened," he commented.

"It's rather dangerous," Szayel added.

Ulquiorra and Nnoitra nodded in agreement.

Gin stepped in. "We should destroy this. No one can ever find it. We're lucky tha' Aizen hasn't yet."

"Sounds alright to me, but we should at least find out exactly what we did, and how bad the damage is," Grimmjow reasoned.

"Agreed," Starrk decided. "On three…"

"One..."

"Two…"

"Three…"

"…"

Silence ensued.

"..."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"..."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"OH MY GOD."

* * *

><p>Ichigo was breezing above the forests in Rukongai. He paused as a shiny object caught his eye.<p>

"Hmm?"

Crashing down through the tree tops, he landed nearly on top of a small camera.

Curious, our favorite orange-headed reaper reached down and picked up the peculiar object.

"Why would a camera from my realm be here in the Soul Society?" he mused. "Maybe Rukia will know about this…"

_"Last night_  
><em><br>Can't remember_  
><em><br>What happened?_  
><em><br>Did it happen?_  
><em><br>Did it happen?_  
><em><br>Last night"_

**Right guys...**

**So that's it! Did it end okay for you guys?**

** I needed to put that little Ichi moment at the end. He was underloved in this story )':**

**Hope you liked it ^^**

**Sayonara!  
><strong>


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